By Helen Milona, B Class
“THE VOICES”
The voices are back.
They are back.
More often than not, now.
Blurry eyes and blank mind. Hoping for a cloud to cover the storm.
They are suffocating.
They won’t stop until I choke on my tears and my heart sinks.
Feeling the knot in my stomach and the pictures are fading.
I thought I’d get rid of them.
But I can’t escape.
I keep falling and falling and falling into the loop, and I can’t get out.
Except for the moments in the meantime. The white room. My shield.
Where the past is hugging me and the future seems bright.
Until once again I’m falling.
The voices keep returning to haunt me and remind me that every glimpse of happiness is temporary. Won’t last.
“Did you really think you’d be happy?”
And I’m so scared of feeling happy, because I know it’s a forbidden fruit for me and the pain of losing it is much bigger than never having it.
I think I’ve realized I’m not seeking happiness.
The aim is to get as many moments as possible in the white room, before the voices come back. To find a way out of my misery.
A meantime in the eternity.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — -
I can’t seem to cry, I can’t even shed tears.
Feeling unable to express any feeling, open my mouth or talk.
Just hearing the knot inside me tightening so hard. Yes, I laugh.
I feel trapped in a body that keeps going, no matter how empty I feel.
It is so painful not feeling anything, when I want to scream and cry,
to bleed my heart until I pass out, so that the next moment I wake up and start having hopes again.
Of finding happiness. Of not hurting my loved ones
in ways I don’t intend. Or even myself.
There are times when you forget important things that matter,
and you should have remembered,
and you end up hurting people.
You take distance to keep them safe from your void,
but they think you don’t care about anything,
when you only wish it wouldn’t hurt so much
to rip your flesh open, so that you can’t harm them anymore.
Wanting it or not. Because it’s useless.
What are you trying to accomplish
when you know one day everything will stop breathing anyway?
And the stupid heart will stop eating you alive. The spikes will disappear and your bruised insides will heal.
But you won’t be there to see it and feel it.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
It hit so hard
Straight to the gut
I loved too much
And fell apart
I gave too much
And took the half
Try being bright
I can’t be fine
Little care for you
They hunt you down
Hope it’s not true
Your heart is drowned
I try too hard
To keep things right
It’s not my fault
You failed to try
I trusted you
But you lied to me
I’m not sure now
How I should be
People turn you disappointed
When your heart says “no, don’t go yet”
Sacrifices cut you deep
Even haunting all your dreams
How happy can you be
When your friends turn ‘round and leave?
No one gets you, that’s okay
Seems like trust is just a game
When they ask you, “truth or dare?”
Truth is dead, now, I’ll be brave
