English Jokes


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1. The Perfect Son.

A: I have the perfect son.

B: Does he smoke?

A: No, he doesn’t.

B: Does he drink whiskey?

A: No, he doesn’t.

B: Does he ever come home late?

A: No, he doesn’t.

B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?

A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.



A man goes to the doctor and says, «Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.»

The doctor asks, «What do you mean?»

The man says, «When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee – OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.»

The doctor says, «I know what’s wrong with you – you’ve broken your finger!»



Mother: «Did you enjoy your first day at school?»

Girl: «First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?»



Teacher: «Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?»

Nick: «What do you think it is, Sir?»

Teacher: «I don’t think, I KNOW!»

Nick: «I don’t think I know either, Sir!»



PUPIL: «Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?»

TEACHER:» Of course not.»

PUPIL: «Good, because I haven`t done my homework.»



Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?

Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?

Little Johnny: But I asked first!



A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?

B: Ok

A: A white horse fell in the mud.



The doctor to the patient: “You are very sick’

The patient to the doctor: “Can I get a second opinion?’

The doctor again: “Yes, you are very ugly too…’



Son: I am not able to go to school today.

Father: What happened?

Son: I am not feeling well

Father: Where, you are not feeling well?

Son: In school



Teacher: Maria, please point to America on the map.

Maria: This is it.

Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?

Class: Maria did.



The man:  «God, how long is a million years?»

God:   «To me, it’s about a minute.»

The man: «God, how much is a million dollars?»

God: «To me it’s a penny.»

The man: «God, may I have a penny?»

God: «Wait a minute.» 



A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?

B: Yes, of course.

A: Great! I never could before!


 Maria-Glikeria  Gazeti